~~ The Utter Terrain ~~

NISBAH DAN HUJAN

I got this from someone somewhere. Sama-sama ambil pengajaran :

Cedera dalam sakit dan tangisan

Hati yang patah mula mengeja parah

Malah memberi pilihan pada masa

Samada balik berundur atau kekal setia

Dunia lebih selesa jika masa berdiam, biar dunia berlagak mimpi,

Terikat rentak, terbatas rutin.

Peliknya masa tiada sahabat,

Hanya seorg, tak pernah berehat dari melangkah ke hadapan,

Sebenarnya tak pernah berharap wujudnya destinasi.

Kita menggenggam dengan harapan yang ringkas,

Melindungi dia dan senyumnya yang makin larut,

Yakin suaranya akan kedengaran, tak mungkin kering jauh sekali sayup ditelan udara.

Eratnya genggaman bagai lalunya ucapan melalui urat yang timbul.

Hati bising dari suara, mata mengutus lebih lantang,

Sememangnya dia setuju, harusnya faham,

kacaknya langkah kita mengalih tugasnya.

Sampai masa kita tahu sepasang mata bijak berkata,

tentang apa yang tak terkata.

Maka saat kita sedar makna apakan daya

Mungkin ketika saat tangan yg digenggam sedia meleraikan

Mungkin itu tanda aras sedihnya tak berdaya,

bertambah dgn kalut yang mengasak

Kalut bukan sebab dileraikan, kalut sebab waras,

tahu bahawa suratan bukan tulisan kita.

Sedangkan surat yg hitam putih terlipat empat,

Disimpan dalam sampul yang berbeza hukum, memang kerana ia bukan untuk dibuka.

Tangan kita yang masih mencari kemuliaan yang ringkas,

Walau dipujuk hati tetap bernekad,

Tiada genggaman yang lebih selesa, tiada simpulan tangan yang lebih cantik,

Tiada yang lebih sedih dari genggaman yang tak disambut,

Tiada pautan yang mungkin berjaya tanpa hadirnya dua hujung,

Tiada parut yang tak tertetas bila duka bertanya

Apakah yang lebih susah dari redha.

Bila Allah turunkan petir dan hujan,

Biarpun tahu lazimnya sementara,

Sementara itu juga mulut sentiasa merungut,

Meratap soalkan sebab, menangis fikirkan mungkinnya yg lebih kasar bakal tiba,

Lupa menanti masa depan, dan masih berdiri dalam tak bersyukur , dalam sekarang yang masih berpaut.

Lupa menantikan berbaloinya hadiah Allah,

Namun akhirnya kita sedar yang asal indah pelangi adalah kerana kemuliaan cahaya nisbah dan hujan.

12 April 2006- Al Fatihah.. genap setahun arwah apak pergi. Moga rohnya dicucuri rahmat. Aamin

Doofy, Happy Birthday. It's always be your day. I never wish you could be born in any otherday =). This is what is written and you have all the rights to be happy and all the rights to believe that I am happy for you too. Because I really am happy to see that u've finished yet another lap this year.

Darkness turns to light

"It Ends Tonight"

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

~~THE ALL-AMERICAN REJECTS

Now and Then...

hello readers.

So many things happened lately ..i dont have any idea where to begin. i would like to start with my neverending complains about my job ..yep, My RHB job,,but in case people from there accidentally browse thru my blog,, i wud definitely get my a** fired-- for gossiping. at least i'm good enough for better reason, like blow up the photocopy machine and such.

Anyway.. My convo was last week. There were happy and sad times. Emotions were all mixed up. My mak and kak Shima was there. My friends were there. My good friends were there..my very very good friends were there.. all my special people were there. Just couldnt stop wishing my apak was there too. For a second I wish he would appear out of thin air. Just a flash of his familiar soothing smile, i said that would be enough. i know how wrong and inappropriate to even think  about it. for a second,,just one second, i wished that. Even more sad when my mak cried. it was hers and my dad's dream to go together for my degree convo since they couldnt make it for my diploma.

8th November was my 'hari gelap'. his birthday. it wasnt like he made such a big deal on birthdays but I do.. i so love to see him dancing in his pelikat singing his own version of birthday song. How I miss him. I had dreams on Ramadhan of how it would be like to go thru Hari raya without him. three times I remembered, and all was heartbreaking. but when the real hari raya came-- it was even sadder and even more heartbreaking than I could ever imagine. You see, it is bad enough when u have to deal with your own pain.. but even worse when u see the crying face of the people you care. When things like this happen, there is this stage where u become surprise yourself to discover how much it hurts you when you see the people you love dealing with the same sadness. Some things that happen in dramas, actually happens in real life too.

I succumb to His fate. it is all His doings, who am i to wish otherwise. i just need time to adapt. i am moving on and try to patch this empty feeling which I could best describe as a hole in my heart (however cliche that sounds). it wasnt ez. When i am happy--I'm happy..but every now and then it wud start with a crack, then it wud open a gap, and then it floods. I guess it's normal.

Just thinking of sharing few things in this blog that I wont say out loud. I feel weak if I speak out. So word sometimes speaks louder than actions. I am hanging on. That's what important. I've got all I need here, more than I could ever wish. So-yes, I'm good.

iza : jiwang mode…

You And Me

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything he does is beautiful
Everything he does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

                                    

                                                                                 ~lifehouse

survey..(too much free time)

Survey from hana's blog (untuk org yang sedang buat thesis,,, seriously budak nih ade issue dgn dia punya free time)

1. Where have you been an hour ago?
watching craps on TV— kad astro hilang (aku still tak bole terima)

2. State your name? --Sharifah Nurul Iza Saiyid Kushari

3. Do you like your name?
A lott—I don’t think there’s anyone with this name other than me.

4. Can you remember what you did on the first day of your school?
tuang air teh atas meja (cant remember why).. and yes, gigit kuku

5. What do you want to be ten years from now?
when I’m 33? Epf yg banyakla maknenye kan…? I wish I cud be a system engineer, get a Master or something .. then, A corner lot house (semiD.. don’t mind la) , 2 cars of my own cuz I wont sell of my dad’s car, cats, a funny and fantastic hubby who cares about cat and love the meal I cook. Hubby? Children? Tax? Money? Unit trust? Insurance? (arrgh,, minyak kapak,,sakit pale)

6. What do u feel upon receiving emails?
depends… who sends it, what the contents are (same ngan hana)

7. At what age you first learned to use a pc?
form one? Ntah,,, tp typewriter mase 4 tahun

8. Have you ever eaten any exotic food?
lidah lembu (exotic?) don’t name me the recipes—I have a weak stomach

9. What was the last illness that you had?
dhuhh! Read previous post.

10. Do you like listening to rap music?
No.. NNNOOOOO!!!! Hate it to the core (when eminem first made an impact, it was cool,, now it’s just annoying to hear him preaching about his sad life..very sad, huh especially when that story makes u millions each day.. ( to all rap fans—no offense)

11. Have you ever thought of driving the train to uni?
nak naik train yang hana bawak,,,kahkah,, amek lessen train bape kali hana oi? (seriously, lessen ape untuk train? G? E? Q?)

12. What did you do last 1st November 2005?
carik cake recipe for dad’s birthday

13. Which do you prefer? sunny days or rainy days?
both,, depends on what happen that day

14. When was the last time you browsed the bible?

never

16. What is the brand of your first wristwatch?
Baby G hijau.. too cool at that time ,, I sleep wearing it

17.Look behind your back. What do you see?
aaagghhh,, HANTU!!

18. Say something about the person whom u like..
hurm……hurmm,,, hurrmmmmmmmm,,,    (tiru hana)

20. What did you have for breakfast today?
puri and nasik goreng

21. Your last dream that you remembered?
antare 6 ekor anak kucing, 3 ekor kena denggi (phobia dah ni)

22. What do you usually say when you meet a person?
hi.. atau pon sengehhhhhhhh sampai ade bunyi “ngehee”

23. Do you agree on the saying "to forgive is to 4get?

No ( people just wont forget, when they got bruised.. however they forgive… agree? )

24. Last thing you held before using the computer?
my handphone,, waiting for an sms ( which never came,,,sob sob)

25..What is the place u dreamed of?

Japan

. (same ngan hana) but Oh please, please ask me why

26. When was the last time your tears fell?
yesterday—mase chat ngan dayah  ( ahha, ayok, dayah! Tak tau,,ape kau buat kat iza?)

28. At what age are you ready to get married?
27, 28, .. bwuahahahah  bole jadik earlier kalau dah gatal

29. Long hair or short?
I prefer short..unless you have that curly, messy , wavy hair like joss stone’s but black. Pretty ha..

30. First person to run to if you are depressed?
you know who u are (mesti sume org perasan perasan,,,kahkah)

31. Whats the last movie you watched?
riding in car with boys ( it’s a real life drama,, please watch,, starring drew Barrymore)
I was touched..

32. Who was the last person you sms?
kiro

33. What was your worst flood experience?
shah alam kat TTDI tuh,,nyesal tak tengok berita pagi2,, bole mase drive siap tanye ina “ bile pulak ade tasik kat sini?”  anyway, kete I masuk TV tau.
34. Were you attracted to a person ten years older than you?
heheh…”transformer” (serius aku x tau name die… that’s what I call him la)

35. Are you happy at this point of your life?
YES.. but I probably cudnt be as happy as I was years before. It wont be the same

36. What do you want to eat tomorrow?
sambal sotong… again? ..emm, Pegaga? (hell no!)

37. Are you in love now?
hurmm ummm……….. umm …..  ….   …. ( i haven’t had things figured out,,just living the happy moments)

38. With whom?

I’m in love with the neighbour’s cat. That’s for sure..name dia KACAK . Other than that,, hurmmm ummm … …..

39. If you could have one wish right now, what would it be?
I wish for my mum’s well being… and wish the kittens tak kena denggi like in my nightmare.

40. By the end of the day, what do you say to yourself?

Haha,, “ooo saripah nak tido..tomorrow is a new day-- esok bangun awal!” (tepuk bantal 3 kali..silly habit dari sekolah,,siti rahmah ngajar ni,,) I literally say this,, hari tuh kena kejut ngan mak (Hoiii!!! Cakap sorang???..)

ngantok.....

moment of weakness

It has been a tough week. No- it has been a tough year. Last week my mum had been admitted to Ipoh Specialist Centre for DENGUE. Yep. If only I could find that idiot nyamuk aedes that bit her. Out of all people,,, oh yes, forgot to mention, I also had dengue on the very same day but since I’m super big, plus the overdose of fiber eating habit, and witty antibody-- so my super cool genius platelets are able to pick up after one day of suffering. I couldn’t walk, eat and sleep..(but I could happily IM..thank God for that) . Joints sengal2, it was crazy. I think the one thing that made the speedy recovery was the fact that I DIDN’T know that it was dengue until I arrived in Ipoh. I tot it was just the regular fever with bad timing of tired knees and elbows affair. Then, I figured maybe I had a severe dehydration problem, so I gulp a lake of water, I did drink a lot till I wished for a removable bladder. See- how much I complained. I just couldn’t imagine how my mum dealt with platelets counts of 11--> yes, ELEVEN!!

You do know normal people have at least 150 counts. And seeing it dropped each day I was sure I’d go insane if it weren’t for my friends. Telling and smsing me tips, petua, sweet thots and encouragement. Some entertained my worries thru out the nite. Some called—thank you. You have no idea how much help u just gave me. My luck, I have great people around me. It was a real scare when the blood transfusion didn’t increase the platelets. After what happened to my father, I could not be assured by doctor’s positive comments anymore. My mind just kept floating and my thots were fiddling wif,,”if anything happens to her”,, and I dare not to finish, It hanged like that-- I truly have no idea on what wud happen to me,,to us, to our family. I just cudnt go thru it all over again, not at this moment.

My mum has been tough and truly amazing thru out the 7 days of being warded. She didn’t complain, she truly is a survivor. Like I said, if only I could be half the woman she is. It broke my heart each time the nurse took blood samples and poke her with IV tube... Plus the fluctuating blood pressure. Wow. Terer la mak! So, after her appetite kicked in, the platelets also did. Thanks for mihun and 100 plus. Kesimpulannya, it took 11 bags of water and 7 bags of 0+ve platelets to get rid of deggi berdarah. Well, that hospital is known for great service..and funny doctors. And the one attended my mum is really funny, mak could giggle at 24 platelets count ( he sure is something, ha),,and of course they cekik you on the bill. But the doctor is quick with actions and firm with decision, so I’m satisfied.

Except this dustbin nurse, --nickname we call this trainee nurse that handled the IV tube after carrying the dustbin (and poking the tube in the dustbin some more) what the?,,of course my sister freaked out..who wudnt?, the germ wud go straight into the bloodstream..hello!.. that incident spinned our room to stardom cuz since then we were being paid with extra special attention,, they were super duper nice but all I cud see was “please don’t sue” printed on their uniform. We even get fruit baskets! Not to mention the unlimited access to ‘patients only’ MILO machine..yummy.

Despite all that, everything is fine now. For now. Mesti banyak lagi dugaan lagi. Cume aku harap, cukupla untuk tahun ni. Tapi I always remember this saying..” Allah tu bagi ujian pada orang yang mampu terima ujian sahaja” . Redha tu susah nak dibuat sebenarnye.  Am I strong? Strong enough for now. Be strong! That’s what kak azie says. There are many stronger and determine people out there , dealing with insanely more critical problems -- shame on me to be complaining like this.

à

LINGER

have u watched CLICK? I havent, but my friend said,,it is one cool n funny movie. One thing I know, it has one awesome soundtrack.

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn
Don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not that rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey, so did you
So why were you holding her hand ?
Is that the way we stand ?
We're lying all the time
Was it just a game to you ?
But I'm in too deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger...
Do you have to let it linger ?
Do you have to...do you have to...do have to let it linger ?

Oh I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong, I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And I wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just want to be with you
And I mean it so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger
Do have to let it linger ?
Do you have to...do you have to...do have to let it linger ?

And I mean it so deep
You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger
Do have to let it linger ?
Do you have to...do you have to...do have to let it linger ?

You know I'm such a fool for you
You've got me wrapped around your finger
Do have to let it linger ?
Do you have to...do you have to...do have to let it linger ?
:p

                                                         ~the cranberries~

My Happy Ending..

it's been a while. just busy figuring out the iza life i'm leading rite now. I am juggling everything around--till the extend I dont know which falls on which hands. Some people just think I am a lesser person just because I dont plan. but I do. but not in a way that u committed people do. I just know what I want then grab what I can get along the way. I dont have time frame, I dont have vivid images of how things should be, I dont have a reminder, i dont have post-it sticker to stay around more than 3 days, I dont have a gantt chart, I still dont have an insurance agent and basically I still dont have a lot of things. I used to plan, but that was an old story. I dont do it anymore. like hoobastank said --it all could go away with just one blink of an eye. It's true and it hurts more if i have had my life set for ten years ahead.

you plan or you dont. but I took the middle way- i plan for 'what' I want to achieve, not 'how'. So what is so bad about it? while so many people think it is irresponsible and immature, I dont agree. but what I do agree, --when you plan like I do, it gets confusing..because you dont know the roadmap, the stations you could stop at, the price you have to spend for petrol, the hitchikers u sympatize along the way. So it really does not sound like a plan-- It sounds like just a dream. U dream of the beginning and ending of your perfect life. Everything in the middle is full of joy, success and smoothness. who wud plan for a tsunami?

Right now I feel as if I am sleeping on a bed of roses (can I have sunflower instead?) despite the thin haze that mite come around every few days in a week, i still am sticking to my happy ending. I know to get it rite, it's not only depends on me, it also depends on the important people in my life, time, money, job, 7 human sins, malaysian politics, foreign exchange, takat beku, takat didih ; p. Dream is something people just think of achieving but deep down inside they think it is impossible. Dream for some is what they say to other people just to make them look good, to look ethical, sophisticated and care. In some cases, dream is seen as the maximum life permits to reach, which means ..when human is not suppose to be perfect, we can always settle for second best. set the bar higher to make sure u never gets satisfied.

My dreams are something I know I can achieve with a bit of extra work. I know I will make mistakes along the way, try plan B, C, E,Q.. I donno the route to that, and i am not committed to achieving just that as i may find a new dream while I am chasing the old ones. So much for my happy ending? No la,, that bumps and red lights are my life too. the route to success is never smooth, they said. what they didnt say is, what happens after the success? you get to keep them forever? maybe one or two lucky person can. For the rest of us, we know life works like a wheel,,kejap kat atas, kejap kat bawah,,we take our turns. tomorrow maybe a guy will break my heart, my mom would think my curry sucks, or I get a scholarship.

to all of you that always say "it is like a dream comes true". dont say that..as if it shudnt come true. or the mechanism of dream is to defy all your endless effort. I dont believe it as the true purpose why our brain subliminally creates dream.

maybe i wont get my happy ending, but right now I am giving all I have to get what I want. It does matter 'HOW', so I am also excited to find out how I will do it.

to this particular person, i dedicate this post to you. It is heartbreaking to realize that you dont give yourself enough credit. as if u feel you dont deserve to foght for your dreams and you are not as special. you are. If only you could see yourself the way that I do, you know you deserve evrything u have and your dreams can be fulfilled with your own two feet. They are not just empty dreams. Even if ur dream doesnt come true, there are many things u could learn from the fall so that you could brace yourself for the next try. You have grown up to be a wonderful person, yet you dont think that suits you. I dont have the physical capability to waive pompoms, shout, cheer and spell your name (maybe a bit of acrobatic stunt) to show that I believe in you. hey, So many people do, so why dont you join the crowd and starts believing in yourself.

TUBE GRUDGE

Since I’m going to start working on Monday, I’ve been lazing around watching TV and baking muffins (like I don’t watch tv ,any other day ;p) Anyway, this morning started off bad as I had this screaming n kicking episode with my nephew. Ha, he’s the star and I can’t even remember what was the shouting all about..wait, oh, I do!-- Banana Muffin. Never mind, he’d remember how I kicked his a** everytime he ever looks at a muffin again.  That’s the thing between the youngest child and the eldest nephew.

Beautiful morning was well ruined, I was looking forward to cherish the 8-11 am slot. My only hope was the cleaning and the tv to make my day. The mop plays along but the tv?—what happens to tube this day? even channel surfing are no fun anymore. I made the biggest mistake in this lifetime, when that very moment I held the remote and pressed 71. I was reading. Then, I heard this song.., my song, I mean my most most most favourite song, that I’ve been loving it like since 6 years ago..and still playing in my winamp 3-7 times a day—being played on MTV. I didn’t even dare to look as the song was not how it was supposed to be sung, it wasn’t his voice, and it was nothing but weird. Maybe the astro signal got interrupted or something, I guessed. I knew I guessed wrong and by the time “And I don't want to go home right now” , I had enough and looked up--then I totally know now how heart attack felt like. I saw I.R.I.S written at the corner of the screen but I didn’t see John Rzeznik, instead I was watching this clean cut guy wearing white, irish look with germ size charisma to sing this song. Of course, it’s Roanan keating (ronan?). What is he doing in the video clip? Cameo for goo goo dolls’Let Love In gimmic?—GGD will sing in the chorus? Then I realized the music arrangement was different and obviously the video clip was all wrong too. Instead of having scenes from City of Angels, analogically it looked like some Hidalgo banned soundtrack (I said banned- as to respect hidalgo production team). What does it has anything to do with desert and singing on top of Dubai most luxurious and exclusive hotel in the world? Looks like it is his song after all.

I was heartbroken. It felt something like the time I realized Wentworth M. (that Scofield guy in Prison Break) stars in Mariah Carey’s We Belong Together, but even sicker. I felt like infected, got some zombie vibe or anything similar I wish I can explain. How dare they turn this song –this one and only English song that I truly love, and please note that I don’t like the movie that much.- into THAT? Out of all singers, why on earth is Keating singing it? He may did well with that Notting Hill ost, but this is iris. No one can sing this better than John Rzeznik, so y keating did so since he’s always gonna b second best? This is an insult for the industry. Imagine ‘I don’t wanna Miss a Thing sung by Guy Sebastian. Even that Aussie sounds good, and looks better, no way he can match the Tyler much known aura and chemistry to that song.

If u have seen the music video, u know what I mean. I felt sick, watching the wind blowing on his face, while he contorted this suppose to be hurt and dying expression,-- riding a handsome horse along the beach—and yep, there was fire too! The song is so off beam without binoculars, tower and Rzeznik hair. It’s like the music director expected us to cry after watching it.

Beautiful morning, my b**@##&^)**&!%@##&~!!%$@?>!

Cry?.. I prefer swearing.

anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be
shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway.

What you spend years building may
be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have
and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

                                                                                   - Anonymous